Yeast Rolls

I said this blog was about joy – so I thought I'd share with you one of the upteen million hilarious stories, jokes and videos I've been collecting in my funny file for over 6 years now. Over a 1000 to be exact! If you know me, laughing is literally one of my most favorite things to do. It's so contagious, so liberating and is like medicine to your heart. Okay, so what made me decide on this true and extremely funny story was I laughed so hard when I read it, again, that I had tears running down my cheeks. So, for today's blog – get ready to roar. With Thanksgiving just weeks away, this is one of the best Turkey Day Stories around…. Put down your coffee and make sure you are near a bathroom cuz this is F-U-N-N-Y!!    

CrazyTracee

Jasper and the Yeast Rolls


We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox
terrier rescue program. For those of you who are not familiar with this type of adoption, imagine taking
in a 10 yr. old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good
parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on
top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on
me. Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I
tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for
several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.


Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright
obnoxious, it is 20 yrs' overdue, AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family,
and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time. I was, however, assigned the task
of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I'm still
blaming the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly; the only appliance in the
whole stinkin' house that worked, thus the assignment.


I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat on Thursday morning.
Since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell
like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586,I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living
room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an
hour. An hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30pm.


When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock, one whole pan of 12
rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled
over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man
wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I promise you, even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the
dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the
night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they
were sick. Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so
bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.


Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part. We arose at
7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, Jasper was as
drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the
time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging
the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just
walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop
himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a
loon.


I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he
explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that,
not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep
giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my
sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a
ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning
from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.


Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after
eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They
would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of
it. Now he was beginning to pass gas and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not
telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karee's, thankful she didn't live any
further away than she did.


Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to
enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long
and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's
latest endeavor to walk without running into something.


Of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception.
Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a
concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or
mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karee's house. Having discovered
his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was
another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and
the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set
up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer
their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the
floor.


And as if this wasn't degrading enough, Jasper in his drunken state had walked through the
poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too. Well, by this time the
dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second
Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is
back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse
for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast
rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them
but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.


Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to "How to clean unbaked dough from the Carpet."