Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing...

I read this in a book this weekend and just HAD to share it with my girls!!

"BBQ is usually the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. 1. The woman goes to the store to buy all the ingredients for the meal


2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.


3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the nescessary cooking utensils, and takes it tot the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a cola.


4. The man places the meat on the grill.


5. The woman goes inside to set the table, put out the condiments, and check the vegetables.


6. The woman comes out to tell the man the meat is burning.


7. The man gets off his lounge chair, puts his cola down, takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.


8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.


9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women."

Happy BBQing!! ~Janice~

The Cinderella Ending...Almost!

First of all, thank you for being patient with me as I have been out sick for the past week. Thank you for your prayers and support, but the story must go on, so here is the conclusion to this chapter in my life...Enjoy!

That Sunday afternoon, I ended up going out to lunch with William and a couple of other people I didn’t know. This wasn’t the first time I found myself in a situation where I didn’t know anyone I was with, but it was the first time it happened in the day light! We talked, laughed and ate! I admit that I did not want the day to end; it had been so long since I had experienced TRUE fellowship. A few of us decided to walk our dogs at Holston Lake. I ran home, changed clothes, grabbed my forsaken dog and headed to the lake in record time! We walked and talked for hours. We even watched the sun set over the mountain, but still, that walk was short! William and I were having a really good conversation when the other two people that we were with decided to leave, so we did too. However, we decided not to say good-bye just yet, so we went to the coffee shop. I was not looking for a man, let alone, love! It found me. God’s perfect will found me.

My ex-boyfriend, the manager guy, called our pastor and told him that he needed to get my phone number. When our pastor asked why, this guy said that I had given him AIDS and that he needed to get a hold of me. Pastor knew that something about this wasn’t right, but called William to caution him in the meantime. Pastor didn’t know that I was with William at the time and when William got off the phone, he told me about the conversation. As soon as the words hit my ears, I knew that I knew that I knew it was a lie, and I wanted proof. William looked at me and said, “No matter what happens, I am here for you and I will stand beside you because I love you.” (Take a moment – realize what position William had just put himself into. Would you do that for someone you love? = Selflessness) This was the very moment that I knew that I was going to marry William.

When I told my parents about William, I was still very reserved on how much I said. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t looking for approval from them and that I was going at this with a clear head and heart. They wanted to meet William, and they did…without me…I wasn’t invited. When William and I met up later that night, I asked him what my parents had said. William knew my recent and not so recent past, but that is what it was, a past. My parents were still living there. William did not share with me some of the things that were said, because he knew that they were no longer true. He decided to make his own choices and see the works of God in my life first hand. Shortly after that little talk, mom and dad started to come to our church.
Dating for William and I was very unconventional. William had been engaged twice before and he was in his 30’s, so he was ready to settle down; as for me, you know that I had been married before and had sewn some wild oats, so I too was ready. We guarded ourselves and our relationship as best we could, however, our defenses couldn’t hold a candle to our passion one night and we ended up getting pregnant. I believe that in that moment, God sealed our future. We were in love, we were pregnant and we already knew that we wanted to be married, so we did. No one could talk us out of this relationship. We became engaged in June and married in July of 2001.

God gave me the man of my dreams and gave us two of the most beautiful children He created. I may not have gotten in God’s perfect will and stayed on the right path when I started out, but God brought me to the place I needed to be so that I could be in His perfect will and on His path for my life. It wasn’t the easy road, but it got me here, and I learned so much more. Many of us travel the same road, some of us take a detour – It doesn’t matter how you get there. I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world; they are very valuable to me and no one can take them away from me. It is because of them that I can write to you today and tell you that, “I know how you feel!! I know Where you are! I’ve Been There!”

It would be hard to find a woman in my family that could tell you that they have been in this situation, that they understand why you don’t feel like you can leave your abusive husband, that they know what it is like not to be found beautiful to your husband, that they know what it is like to feel deceived by your closest family, that they know what it is like to be homeless, poor and looked down on in this way. I can. I can tell you what it was like when Jesus found me at my lowest point, picked me up and dusted me off and told me, “My daughter, you are BEAUTIFUL! You deserve more! You deserve Love, peace, joy! You deserve Safety! Run to ME! Run into MY arms! I will keep you safe! I will bring you out!! I WILL SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF!!”
It is for this reason that I thank my LORD that he saved me….from myself. I thought I knew…I didn’t know…but God knows. When I sing now, I sing the words; I sing with meaning backing every syllable. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Words without emotion are just words. If your kids tell you that they love you and want to be with you, but don’t mean it, it doesn’t make you feel real important to them does it? It makes you wonder about their intentions and question the truth. God is the same…mean every word that you tell Him. Don’t just go through the motions anymore. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

I love each of you and if you need to talk with me about any of what you have read of my testimony in the last few weeks, contact me! I will be here for you. Most importantly, I challenge you to go DEEPER with God. He loves you and understands you more than you know. I hope that you’ve enjoyed my story…and yet, it goes on.

~I'm here for you, Janice~

Steps to a New and Better YOU!!

When you live in sin, trying to do it all yourself, your efforts don’t last very long before you realize that you need something greater than yourself to help get you through. For some, they turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, stealing, lying, food, shopping sprees – anything to help ease the pain, to lessen the burden. Me – I turned to God – the foundation of my youth. I knew that I needed him. I realized that nothing else that I could possibly think of could fill that void in my life. Nothing else could bring me TRUE joy. Sure, there were and still are things in my life that bring me happiness, but if only for a season – TRUE joy lasts a lifetime and is from God. Joy can only be found in Christ – it is in the eternal things – the things from God that will bring you true joy.

When I came to the realization that I needed to make some changes in my life, the first thing that I did was pray and asked God to forgive me in my foolishness and renew my life. I told him that I no longer wanted to do this on my own – that I could not do this on my own. I wholly and completely yielded myself to Him. I had to be honest with myself. Ladies, if we cannot be honest with ourselves, we are only hurting ourselves and keeping true healing from ourselves. If you want to be completely free from all the lies, the hurt, the pain, then you have to be honest with yourself and with your Heavenly Father. There is nothing that He doesn’t already know anyway, so why try to hide it? It was very important to me that I was honest with myself and that I knew beyond any doubt that I was making this choice on my own and not because of anyone else’s opinion or judgment of me.

I consider this moment to be my true salvation experience. I can’t explain the feelings that I felt that night, but I knew that they were very real! I danced and sang into the night with praise cd’s, crying out to God. I meant every word I sang. I felt the meaning of the words from the bottom of my soul. God had at this very moment saved me from myself.

The second thing I did was file for divorce and bankruptcy. Patrick had not tried to see or talk to me in over a year. I ended up paying for everything myself. Thankfully, the Lord allowed one of my customers, a lawyer to collect payments from me so that I could afford it. I made sure that man was paid every month…on time! Lawyers do not generally make payment arrangements and I knew it! I made sure I did not take it for granted.

The next thing I did was clean out my apartment of all the paraphernalia that I had, all the alcohol, cigarettes, recreational and prescription drugs, even my clubbing outfits went straight to the dump. I cut off my relationships with the guys that I was seeing and threw away their apartment keys and phone numbers – I was officially DONE with men, and honestly – I was okay with that. Then, I bought a newspaper.

I decided that I needed to find a church of my own. Not one chosen for me, not one that I tried to fit into, but one that would accept me, love me, and forgive me. Isn’t that what the church as a body is supposed to do? I found one. My only agenda was to get right with God, to dive into everything He had for me and to find out what that was. I found two churches in that newspaper that I thought I would like. I chose the first and decided that if I didn’t like it, I would go to the other one next week. I never did get to try the other church. When God places you somewhere specific, you know it!

I attended the service and liked it. The Pastor came up to me after service and introduced himself. There was another guy approaching us to introduce himself, but before he could, the pastor did it for him and in the process, let me know that he too was single. The pastor was trying to say that there were other singles in that church, but instead it came across as a set up. Couldn’t this pastor tell that I was DONE with men and I didn’t need to be set up? In fact, I was still married – about to be divorced – in only 1 month! I was just getting my life back together! I didn’t need another relationship to mess up! Not one of us in that little group knew what had just happened – the very thing that God had orchestrated and put together; for the man that the pastor introduced me to was William.

Change...it's gonna happen!

I was now living with my parents in Southwest Virginia. The day after we came back from Ohio, my dad sat me down and told me that I had to pay for all their costs incurred on their trip and that he was going to add it to the personal car loan I had with him on my car. (He had sold me the car a year before and I was making payments.) He also informed me that if I was to live with them, that I had to go back to school, which I did for another semester. This was just one more day…
Life back at home was rough once again. I felt that I was alone and that no one could relate to me and my circumstance…no one! I didn’t have anyone to talk to, no one to pull advice and relational empathy from. I really needed it! Mom kept telling me to toughen up – I don’t think she realized fully the grieving process and emotional sifting that I was doing and how necessary it was. Still, I dealt with home-life along with everything else, the best I could.
My sister was getting married in Illinois that August and I was the Maid of Honor. I did okay – until I got to the altar, holding my brother-in-law’s ring when it hit me like a brick. I started to lose it and the tears started rolling. At one point I remember thinking to myself that if I couldn’t pull it back together, I was going to have to leave. I suppressed, once again, and got through it…just one more day.
When we got back to Virginia, the job hunt started. I knew what I needed to make to pay all the bills, but I also didn’t have a college degree and in these parts, it really helps when you need to make the cash. I found myself applying for a waitressing position at Damon’s Bar and Grill. What was I doing? I had never waitressed before! But I filled the application out anyway. That had been my last stop that day. I had been EVERYWHERE filling out applications! Literally! By the time I drove home, Damon’s had called for an interview. Mom had answered the phone. She asked me why I even applied there and said that I would never be able to handle the memorization and attention the job required. That was the fire that lit my pants. Let me show you what I can do! I went to the interview and took the job. I made more money per hour than what I was looking for and ended up finding my TRUE calling. I did it successfully for 2 years and discovered my other loves…I love to serve people, and I love the creativity of food. I loved my job and I was happy there!
One day that winter, after a long day at work, mom and dad had a talk with me. They thought that I was being a bad influence on my brother and disrespecting household rules and they kicked me out that night. In actuality, I am not exactly sure what they thought I was doing, or not doing. I didn’t really hear much of the conversation as I sat there in disbelief and shock. That night, I became homeless. I didn’t have anywhere to go. I took my dog, some clothes and my car. I turned to my friends at Damon’s. Co-workers were more than willing and compassionate to take me and my dog in for the night. Over the next few days, coworkers helped me by taking care of my dog, offering extra shifts and tables to me, taking turns letting me stay with them and even helping me find an apartment. I quit going to church. I thought, if mom and dad already think I am doing all these horrible things, then why not do it? So I did!
I found a dump of an apartment, but I was proud of it and made it mine! I started smoking, sleeping around, clubbing, selling drugs and drinking. My new image allowed me to start bartending at work and that allowed me to get an instant raise. I started seeing one of the managers there. He was much older than me, but I didn’t care. Our relationship was very shallow for both of us, it was just a physical relationship for the majority of the time we were together, we were each other’s ‘booty call’. We ‘dated’ for a little over a year and towards the end, we both wanted a deeper relationship, but I knew it could never work. I broke it off and it was hard. Keep in mind too, that my divorce still was not final this whole time. Technically, I was still a married woman. It was so hard for me to think so though, because I did not feel married. I felt free, and so I was free.
There were times I didn’t know how I got home. I would lie to get what I wanted. I would use guys to get what I wanted. It was all a game to me. I would push my body to the limits. There were times that I would be out driving with my friends and we would end up at someone’s house that I didn’t know, I didn’t know where we were, or how I would get back. Talk about fear gripping your heart. Being in this vulnerable state, anything could happen…and who would know? I lost money, I lost my dignity, and I didn’t care. This lifestyle went on for over a year when I woke up one morning and realized that I needed to make some changes in my life.

Moving Day...I left.

One day, I woke up and saw clearly. I don’t remember what was said, but I do remember that it was like a light bulb turned on and I was able to look into my marriage from the outside. God reminded me that I was HIS child and that I was WORTH more than rubies, that my worth was that of a JEWEL that HE wanted to display in HIS crown. (Ladies, it is VERY important in the kingdom of God that we KNOW our worth! Do you know how VALUABLE you are to HIM?) He allowed me to see some things over the next few days in our marriage that I was blinded to before. I had some feelings that Patrick was lying to me about his computer use and some other issues, but wasn’t confident enough in myself to confront him on my own, so I called our Pastor. Our pastor asked me if our meeting was about us leaving the church. You see, abusers wear a different face in public than they do behind closed doors. Patrick and I had never talked to anyone about our problems. We faked the happy married couple life quite well and were practiced at it by now.
Pastor met with us after service that night. I confronted Patrick about the pornography and he admitted to it and in the same breath began to apologize, make excuses and confuse the situation, but I didn’t hear anything past his “yes”. I felt a calming in my spirit that I can only explain as GOD. As the pastor talked to Patrick about the many dangers of pornography, God began to comfort, minister and speak to me. What our pastor didn’t know is that Patrick and I had already experienced many levels of those dangers in our marriage and I was ready to leave. I don’t remember much more of the conversation because God began to show me how to be peaceful, how to forgive whole-heartedly, and how to leave Patrick safely. I didn’t talk to Patrick the rest of the night as begged and pleaded for a response from me. I know that it was the Holy Spirit inside of me keeping me calm and quiet. I was hurt deeply. My flesh wanted to rage…to cry, hit and scream at Patrick for hurting me once again, but I didn’t.
I called my mom the next day and told her what happened. She said, “I can’t tell you what to do, but isn’t this what you prayed for?” Which I thought was completely out of my mother’s character because she was usually the first to tell me what I needed to do. Since I wasn’t working at the time and Patrick was, I was able to start packing boxes of things out of the attic, drawers, cabinets that was out of sight. I hid them at my neighbor’s apartment. He didn’t notice that those things were missing, but I also never packed anything that was in sight so as not to attract attention to my plan.
I started to make meals and pack them in the freezer for him. I stocked the pantry with his favorite foods. I closed out our bank account and took my name off the apartment lease. I had to plan very carefully; I could not let him know I was leaving. I was still afraid of his temper even though he was very mellow ever since our talk with our Pastor.
My parents came that weekend with a U-Haul and a video camera. That Saturday, Patrick had to work a half day. I took him to work because we only had my car at the time. My parents were at the apartment waiting on me when I got back and we videotaped the apartment first…untouched. As soon as we were done, we started bookin’ it. I had preplanned what was going and what was staying and made everyone aware. They came prepared with boxes, tape and packing paper. We were all in rhythm and packing at record speed when Patrick called…he had forgotten his lunch. I hopped in the car and took him his lunch. Thankfully we had not packed anything in it! He asked me, ”What are you doing?” “Oh,” I replied, “I’m just cleaning the apartment.” “Why don’t you wait until I get home and I will help you.” ,he offered. “That’s okay,” I answered, “I’ll be done by the time you get home.” And I was. I made arrangements for Patrick to get home as I left. I cried most of the 7 hour drive to Virginia. It was July 10, 1999.
~Janice~

Changes...

Ironically, during this trying time in our marriage, my parents and I had started to make amends. Patrick and I traveled to Illinois several times to work on the restoration of our relationship. You have to work on relationships; you just can’t sit back and let relationships happen to you, because if you do, they won’t.

Patrick and I decided to try to get pregnant. We thought that having a baby would soften things between us and make everything better. Now, I know that standing on the outside of this type of situation I can hear some of you saying, “Ya! Right!” But it is not until you are fully in a situation in that moment that you think that something this dramatic will make your life better. I mean, it’s a baby! How wonderful, right? A product of your love. But see, it really isn’t when you are involved in an abusive situation. It can make things drastically worse and then, you have gone and involved another person into the terrible mix. We tried for almost a year to conceive. I am thankful that we never did. It was in God’s plan for both of us.

Things were good again. We ended up getting a dog. I worked with that puppy and trained it, never thinking that it may one day defend me, but that is exactly what happened. I remember being chased around the apartment, and I ran into our guest bedroom and locked myself in. The dog was on the other side of the door. Patrick kicked the door, yelled and screamed all the while, the dog barking. I remember that he bit Patrick. He ended up leaving the apartment after that, just like he always did. The dog lay in front of my door until it was safe for me to come out. Patrick was more afraid of the dog now and the abuse died once again. I loved that dog.

Psalms 17:7-9 - "Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways. You save with your strength those who seek refuge from their enemies. Gruard me as the apple of your eye. Hide me in the shadow of your wings. Protect me from wicked people who attack me, from murderwous enemies who surround me." God is always there to protect His sheep. Love Him. He is your Shephard; Trust in Him.
~Janice~

Deadbolts...

We were both 21 and over $40,000 in unsecured debt. We began fighting over money, which always led to other fights. Patrick signed up for credit cards in my name and cosigned others that I didn't know about. We ended up buying a car that neither of us could afford, and ended up working all the time, which proved to be a strain on our marriage. Our fights became worse. I found out that he was participating in graphic internet pornography, and at the same time, our fights became physical.
Patrick and I got more and more violent. He would chase me down the hallway; sometimes with a knife, kick me, spit on me, hit me, call me names and made me do things in the bedroom that I didn’t want to do. He would always leave the apartment for an hour or two after our fights. I don’t know what he did or where he went, I didn’t want to know. All I know was that he had calmed down and always knew what to say to apologized.
I got fed up with this routine after a short while and bought a new lock for the door. I would practice changing it out. I would time myself and work on getting faster at changing the deadbolt, because the next time, I was going to lock him out for good.
The next time came. I changed that lock in less than 3 minutes. I packed his bags and threw them on the porch. When he came back, he sang a different tune! He was sorry and fed me the lines I wanted to hear and I eventually let him back in. We talked about the pornography and I knew that it was one of the many roots of our problems. I told him that if he started with the porn again, I was leaving. I felt that it was my way out. But I also felt that I needed to give him one more chance.
Through it all, we stayed in church. It was a Methodist Church – definitely not a church that I was used to having been raised in a non-denominational Pentecostal church. One day, I looked at Patrick and said, “I can’t go back there anymore.” (Sometimes God will “Rock Your Boat” to get you to move…He’ll make you uncomfortable to get you to take that step of faith that He is wanting you to take.) We met with our pastor and she understood and gave us her blessings. We moved closer into town to lessen our commute. There was an Assemblies of God church right on the corner of our new apartment and we became very involved. Things started to shape up again. Both Patrick and I got new jobs, we were down to one car, and had a closer commute. However, we were still unknowledgeable about debt reduction and our fights were still there, but hidden from everyone around us. No one knew. I had never felt lower in my life; I lost all self-esteem. I cooked and baked all the time, therefore I gained a lot of weight and reached my heaviest size.

~Janice (don't worry...it gets better)~

Lemons...

Before I left, I struggled aimlessly o fit back in with my family. I felt like an outcast and of course, that didn’t make me want to open up to them about my new found “Love” with Patrick at all. So I stayed to myself and became withdrawn. Patrick and I talked on the phone everyday when I decided late in July that this was not working for me and I wanted to move back to Ohio. Patrick and his mom came to Illinois to move me back to Ohio. My parents sat on the couch watching us move everything out of the house and when the last box was loaded, my dad looked at Patrick and said some really hurtful things to him about me while I stood there in disbelief. Although I had done the things he was mentioning in the past, I felt that I had grown and moved past that immaturity in my life. I was very hurt and felt betrayed. More words were passed and we left with heavy hearts, but somehow I knew that this was what I was supposed to do.
My relationship with my parents soured. Patrick and I lived with his mom for a while until we found an apartment of our own. We got engaged and married in June of 1997, still not talking to my parents. Our wedding came. My parents came, watched the ceremony and left. They never said anything to Patrick or me, but at least they came. It wasn’t until almost another year later that we finally started talking again.

Our marriage started out great. We played tennis together, Patrick played softball and I loved to go to the games and watch. He played in our local hockey team, we got a puppy dog, we took pinics in the park, we ate ice cream on the stoop outside the Dairy Queen and watched the cars go by. We would laugh everytime a car would scrape the street after going through the drive-through. Things were great; until we found ourself in a mound of debt.

We were both 21 and over $40,000 in unsecured debt. We began fighting over money, which always led to other fights. Patrick signbed up for credit cards in my name and cosigned others that I didn't know about. We ended up buying a car that neither of us could afford, and ended up working all the time, which proved to be a strain on our marriage.