I was now living with my parents in Southwest Virginia. The day after we came back from Ohio, my dad sat me down and told me that I had to pay for all their costs incurred on their trip and that he was going to add it to the personal car loan I had with him on my car. (He had sold me the car a year before and I was making payments.) He also informed me that if I was to live with them, that I had to go back to school, which I did for another semester. This was just one more day…
Life back at home was rough once again. I felt that I was alone and that no one could relate to me and my circumstance…no one! I didn’t have anyone to talk to, no one to pull advice and relational empathy from. I really needed it! Mom kept telling me to toughen up – I don’t think she realized fully the grieving process and emotional sifting that I was doing and how necessary it was. Still, I dealt with home-life along with everything else, the best I could.
My sister was getting married in Illinois that August and I was the Maid of Honor. I did okay – until I got to the altar, holding my brother-in-law’s ring when it hit me like a brick. I started to lose it and the tears started rolling. At one point I remember thinking to myself that if I couldn’t pull it back together, I was going to have to leave. I suppressed, once again, and got through it…just one more day.
When we got back to Virginia, the job hunt started. I knew what I needed to make to pay all the bills, but I also didn’t have a college degree and in these parts, it really helps when you need to make the cash. I found myself applying for a waitressing position at Damon’s Bar and Grill. What was I doing? I had never waitressed before! But I filled the application out anyway. That had been my last stop that day. I had been EVERYWHERE filling out applications! Literally! By the time I drove home, Damon’s had called for an interview. Mom had answered the phone. She asked me why I even applied there and said that I would never be able to handle the memorization and attention the job required. That was the fire that lit my pants. Let me show you what I can do! I went to the interview and took the job. I made more money per hour than what I was looking for and ended up finding my TRUE calling. I did it successfully for 2 years and discovered my other loves…I love to serve people, and I love the creativity of food. I loved my job and I was happy there!
One day that winter, after a long day at work, mom and dad had a talk with me. They thought that I was being a bad influence on my brother and disrespecting household rules and they kicked me out that night. In actuality, I am not exactly sure what they thought I was doing, or not doing. I didn’t really hear much of the conversation as I sat there in disbelief and shock. That night, I became homeless. I didn’t have anywhere to go. I took my dog, some clothes and my car. I turned to my friends at Damon’s. Co-workers were more than willing and compassionate to take me and my dog in for the night. Over the next few days, coworkers helped me by taking care of my dog, offering extra shifts and tables to me, taking turns letting me stay with them and even helping me find an apartment. I quit going to church. I thought, if mom and dad already think I am doing all these horrible things, then why not do it? So I did!
I found a dump of an apartment, but I was proud of it and made it mine! I started smoking, sleeping around, clubbing, selling drugs and drinking. My new image allowed me to start bartending at work and that allowed me to get an instant raise. I started seeing one of the managers there. He was much older than me, but I didn’t care. Our relationship was very shallow for both of us, it was just a physical relationship for the majority of the time we were together, we were each other’s ‘booty call’. We ‘dated’ for a little over a year and towards the end, we both wanted a deeper relationship, but I knew it could never work. I broke it off and it was hard. Keep in mind too, that my divorce still was not final this whole time. Technically, I was still a married woman. It was so hard for me to think so though, because I did not feel married. I felt free, and so I was free.
There were times I didn’t know how I got home. I would lie to get what I wanted. I would use guys to get what I wanted. It was all a game to me. I would push my body to the limits. There were times that I would be out driving with my friends and we would end up at someone’s house that I didn’t know, I didn’t know where we were, or how I would get back. Talk about fear gripping your heart. Being in this vulnerable state, anything could happen…and who would know? I lost money, I lost my dignity, and I didn’t care. This lifestyle went on for over a year when I woke up one morning and realized that I needed to make some changes in my life.
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