Moving Day...I left.

One day, I woke up and saw clearly. I don’t remember what was said, but I do remember that it was like a light bulb turned on and I was able to look into my marriage from the outside. God reminded me that I was HIS child and that I was WORTH more than rubies, that my worth was that of a JEWEL that HE wanted to display in HIS crown. (Ladies, it is VERY important in the kingdom of God that we KNOW our worth! Do you know how VALUABLE you are to HIM?) He allowed me to see some things over the next few days in our marriage that I was blinded to before. I had some feelings that Patrick was lying to me about his computer use and some other issues, but wasn’t confident enough in myself to confront him on my own, so I called our Pastor. Our pastor asked me if our meeting was about us leaving the church. You see, abusers wear a different face in public than they do behind closed doors. Patrick and I had never talked to anyone about our problems. We faked the happy married couple life quite well and were practiced at it by now.
Pastor met with us after service that night. I confronted Patrick about the pornography and he admitted to it and in the same breath began to apologize, make excuses and confuse the situation, but I didn’t hear anything past his “yes”. I felt a calming in my spirit that I can only explain as GOD. As the pastor talked to Patrick about the many dangers of pornography, God began to comfort, minister and speak to me. What our pastor didn’t know is that Patrick and I had already experienced many levels of those dangers in our marriage and I was ready to leave. I don’t remember much more of the conversation because God began to show me how to be peaceful, how to forgive whole-heartedly, and how to leave Patrick safely. I didn’t talk to Patrick the rest of the night as begged and pleaded for a response from me. I know that it was the Holy Spirit inside of me keeping me calm and quiet. I was hurt deeply. My flesh wanted to rage…to cry, hit and scream at Patrick for hurting me once again, but I didn’t.
I called my mom the next day and told her what happened. She said, “I can’t tell you what to do, but isn’t this what you prayed for?” Which I thought was completely out of my mother’s character because she was usually the first to tell me what I needed to do. Since I wasn’t working at the time and Patrick was, I was able to start packing boxes of things out of the attic, drawers, cabinets that was out of sight. I hid them at my neighbor’s apartment. He didn’t notice that those things were missing, but I also never packed anything that was in sight so as not to attract attention to my plan.
I started to make meals and pack them in the freezer for him. I stocked the pantry with his favorite foods. I closed out our bank account and took my name off the apartment lease. I had to plan very carefully; I could not let him know I was leaving. I was still afraid of his temper even though he was very mellow ever since our talk with our Pastor.
My parents came that weekend with a U-Haul and a video camera. That Saturday, Patrick had to work a half day. I took him to work because we only had my car at the time. My parents were at the apartment waiting on me when I got back and we videotaped the apartment first…untouched. As soon as we were done, we started bookin’ it. I had preplanned what was going and what was staying and made everyone aware. They came prepared with boxes, tape and packing paper. We were all in rhythm and packing at record speed when Patrick called…he had forgotten his lunch. I hopped in the car and took him his lunch. Thankfully we had not packed anything in it! He asked me, ”What are you doing?” “Oh,” I replied, “I’m just cleaning the apartment.” “Why don’t you wait until I get home and I will help you.” ,he offered. “That’s okay,” I answered, “I’ll be done by the time you get home.” And I was. I made arrangements for Patrick to get home as I left. I cried most of the 7 hour drive to Virginia. It was July 10, 1999.
~Janice~